ScoopGods.com – Hilton stockholders might be experiencing pantfulls of self-induced excrement right now after last night’s shocking but brilliant takeover of Hilton Hotels by none other than Paris Hilton, America’s socialite.
“We’re shocked,” said Hilton’s chairman, Sir Dirk Ramada. “We still are trying to figure out what happened.”
According to SEC documents, Ms. Hilton instigated a hostile, tender, reverse and friendly takeover with a little bit of a proxy fight just to top it off. She used two cute Shih Tzus dogs, a pearl-encrusted custom iPhone, a pimped out 1984 Chevy Impala and 22 impromptu appearances at 17 Manhattan night clubs to become the Hilton Hotels majority shareholder. All in the span of just 4 hours.
“I love a good time and I love wasting gallons of caramel and gin on silly party games,” said Hilton. “It was easy and I can’t wait to begin the Hilton transformation.”
According to documents that we stole from Hilton’s purse, the surprising tycoon has the following plan in motion:
“I want to extend the reach of the Hilton brand into every conceivable open space available. Not only do I want a Hilton Hotel in every city in the world, I want Hilton hammocks, Hilton cots, Hilton prison cells, Hilton pole barns, Hilton Lincoln Log sets, Hilton wheel barrows and most importantly, I want Hilton underground drug-running tunnels. Just as I have done, I want Hilton to do everything.”
Wall Street knowhows beleive that the takeover was a complete work of genius and they plan to contrive some twisted, government-secured plan to line their pockets, that of their drinking buddies and their hookers.
“Fuck yeah! We rule. Whooooo bitches,” is what most said when we encountered them at McGilly’s Pub in lower Manhattan.
The ScoopGods promise to follow this story and offer commentary on Ms. Hiltons’s outfits and activities.
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