McDonald's New Seating
ScoopGods – In a constant quest to provide the most complete eating experience ever, McDonalds has installed adult-sized Sit and Spin seating in nearly half of its restaurants in what the company says is an effort to enhance the dining experience, but further investigation by the ScoopGods Team unveils a sinister and rather troubling scheme aimed at belittling and extracting more revenue out of unknowing customers.
“Everyone loves to sit and spin,” said McDonald’s Marketing VP, Syndney Johnson. “And now we offer that to our most respected customers.”
The new seating arrangement was put into effect in October of this year. The plan involves the removal of about 35% of the regular seating and installation of nearly 16 Sit and Spin individual seating placements.
Most patrons we surveyed were delighted with the announcement and many were planning launch parties. But we knew something wasn’t right and we sent in our most handsome stud to McDonald’s headquarters where he used his Don Draper-type skills to seduce a high-level executive for answers. What he uncovered was an incredibly fragile women who was afraid of oral sex and also a corporate scheme that we would consider evil, but quite ingenious.
According to our source, the company offers customers a 30% discount if a customer chooses to sit at a Sit and Spin table. At this point, nearly 75% of customers are taking advantage of the incentive. According to research conducted by the company, most customers have the following experience:
Customers first take a spot at a Sit and Spin and will eat their meal right away.
All Clowns Are Sinister
Most of the time after eating, the customers will take part in a frenzy of spinning. The Sit and Spins are designed with a radius which is conducive to inducing sickness approximately 60 minutes after the initial spinning action. The sickness invoked triggers vomiting after the patron has left the restaurant in nearly 85% of the cases. The company has discovered that 45% of the customers will then become hungry due to upchucking their meal and they then come back to the restaurant within 90 minutes of leaving to purchase another meal.
This ploy has increased revenues in participating stores nearly 65%! When we attempted to contact company headquarters, we were continually forwarded to Ronald McDonald’s voicemail. All recordings left have gone unanswered, but several ScoopGods staff members have reported instances of seeing a large, dark purple figure lurking behind trees and watching their every move. We suspect that we are now under the company’s top secret, all knowing watchful eye.
Consumer advocates unfortunately do not believe our research and have shown support for McDonald’s Sit and Spin seating. We conclude that they are morons and we will continue to seek justice!
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