ScoopGods.com – The organic movement has been keeping the rich and popular feeling good about themselves lately and now nearly everywhere you go, there’s an organic choice for you. From salmon to coffee, thousands of perishables are being grown, raised and prepared the organic way. The popularity of the movement has spurred quite a few new food producers who claim they’re organic. A few of them are becoming quite successful and they seem to be ok with being labeled extreme organic.
Baseball Bat Beef President, Rhine Sandburg, gives a demonstration on how their beef is processed.
One small beef producer is leading all others when it comes to extreme organic techniques. Baseball Bat Beef, Inc. based in Sioux City, Iowa has been selling their specially processed meat since early last year and it’s been a big “hit” among baseball players and their loyal fans. What’s so special about Baseball Bat Beef? It’s simple, they process their beef by using baseball bats.
“There’s nothing like beef from cattle that has been beaten to death by baseball bats,” says company founder, Rhine Sanburg. “It’s juicy, succulent and obviously quite tender. When a cow dies by bat, some magical chemical is released and the muscles just soak it right up creating some very tasty meat.”
Baseball Bat Beef isn’t the only company going gang busters in the market. On the other end of the processing spectrum is Meaty Spa, Inc. The outfit is based in St. Paul, MN and boasts that their specialized treatment of poultry produces the yummiest chicken and turkey in the world.
“All of our birds grow up living a life of luxury,” says company President, Alice
A Meaty Spa resident and her dedicated servant.
Wonkerling. “They are pampered with body wraps, soothing daily massages, feather waxing, beak polishing, caring hugs and continual petting. Our birds are always in the company of a dedicated servant who constantly keeps them feeling great. When our birds die, they are in a blissful state because we kill them as they’re copulating.”
Despite both company’s success, you can bet that some group of assholes doesn’t like it. Oh, and what just came up in our google search? A list of assmatics!
Organic is Not Extreme is a group of young mothers headquartered in the suburbs of Cleveland, Ohio and they have been busy fighting against extreme organic processors since their husbands stopped paying attention to them.
“We hate these extreme organic companies,” declared Mindy Johnson, a mother of an annoying little 3-year old boy who constantly touches his privates. “They glamorize the killing of innocent animals and they make me sad. And Baseball Bat Beef is just horrible…”
“Mommy. Mommy! Mom! MOM!” barged in Brady Johnson. “I want a corn dog now.”
“Not now Brady,” answered Ms. Johnson. “So anyway, getting back to things… killing animals for meat is wrong and using a baseball bat is even more bad. And then this Meaty Spa. Those birds are treated better than I am. These companies are eroding our society.”
But both owners of seem to be quite happy with their companies.
“Hey, we’re chasing the American dream of finding a need and filling it,” said Sandburg. “Fortunately, we have many determined illegal aliens who love baseball and beef!”
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