The man determined to have a shredded cheese beard.
ScoopGods.com – Terry Jomorgan loves it when he is bearded. He knows, just as the chatty gentlemen sipping cappuccino’s on the corner café do, that facial hair provides a plume of studly-ness. Most men will try at least once in their life to grow this curly, coarse facial staredo. Yes, staredo. My word for facial hair which invites the ogling of young perky nubiles and the gyrating stare of established men buffing their Bentley’s. But most will end up with a face that looks as if they were eating a bowl of honey with no spoon and just as they looked up to say ‘Yum’, someone threw the contents of a vacuum’s canister right at their sticky chin and cheeks.
But Jomorgan can’t stop at that joy. He is determined to grow a beard which consists of sharp, fresh, cheddar cheese. Shredded cheddar cheese that is. The delicious dairy product favored by most people in this country today. The stuff that makes a taco look and taste like it’s a fucking wonder of the world. The stuff that when it’s freshly grated, some will smack kids in the head to move them out of the way just to get a pinch of it.
“I want to walk up to a guy baking potatoes on his outdoor grill and bellow, ‘Hey, do you mind if I kiss your taters?’,” said Jomorgan from his comfortable Mexican bean bag chair at his home in New Jersey. “And then give a long, passionate smooch and then pull away slowly and watch as the others around me gawk at the stringy gold goo clinging onto me and the piping hot potato. That would be the ultimate feeling. The first feeling that is better than sex.”
Jomorgan has been researching dermatology, selleckology, his made-up term for the study of beard growth and existence, and cheese production. Although he states that the studies have been positive, he quickly admits that cheese and how it’s made is not his cup of tea.
“Making cheese is as maddening as trying to win a radio call-in contest with an old rotary phone,” reveals Jomorgan. “I just don’t have the cheddy chops to get it done.”
To give him a connection to knowledgeable cheese makers, Jomorgan started buying Kraft common stock with hopes of becoming a major shareholder who carried a lot of clout within the company.
Jomorgan used John Travolta's Bubble Boy suit as a model for his refrigerated pod.
“I invision walking into a board room meeting fingers a-cocking, eyes a-winking, hips a-thrusting and my thumbs jutting outward as my pinkies come together to create an imagined boost of electricity,” explained Jomorgan with jittery energy. “And then I just start talking to the cheese team and we hit it off like a priest and a boy in sweat pants. I ask them this and that and my cheese making knowledge will expand and eventually, a lightbulb will flicker to life and the key to a shredded cheese beard will be mine.”
Jomorgan intends to create a beard which grows like real facial hair. In fact, he’s been working with Afghan scientists to tap into the rapid and excessive hair growth found in most Middle Eastern men.
He’s also invented a solar-powered cooler pod in which he wears on the top half of his body so that he can keep his fluffy cheddar beard cool and at the optimal texture and temperature.
“After the cheese beard is here, I want to work at the end of the Papa Murphy’s assembly line,” declared Jomorgan. “I want to be the guy who tosses the small dashing of cheddar cheese onto the pizza pie so I can look up and see the tooth-full, gaping smiles of cute children and their impressed parents.”
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